Today was an emotional day for me. I got a phone call from my mom and she asked me about my sewing machine because she was worried about it. She wanted to make sure it wasn't in storage. She sounded sad (although if she was sad she would never admit it for fear that I would be sad) but the phone call made me emotional beyond words. I promised my mom when I moved home from Columbus that I would make her some clothes that went on like a hospital gown, but look like normal clothes. I never got around to it with preparing for the trail. I felt so guilty and sad and I was bummed out. I cried and then cried some more. My mom means a lot to me and I kept asking myself "am I doing the right thing?" Should I be home with my mom right now? I am hiking the trail for her and then I thought "is that stupid" shouldn't I be home with her instead of states away trying to fulfill my dreams. I know my mom wants me to succeed. I know she wants me out here but at the time I couldn't shake it. I was just down in the dumps. It makes it hard to hike up mountains when you can't focus on the good, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself.
I was supposed to meet up with my cousin Nate's wife, Jenny, and their daughter, Anna, at Bear Mountain Zoo, but it took me longer than expected to hike those seven miles. My feet felt heavy as did my heart. My pack felt like it had every disappointment and letdown in it and the weight was crushing my shoulders and my soul.
I called Jenny and asked her if she still wanted to meet up quickly to say hi and so I could meet their adorable daughter. I was really bummed I wasn't going to see Nate. I asked Jenny if maybe she wanted to get something to eat and wait for Nate to get out of work. Sprout kept on hiking and I went with Jenny. Sprout had a mission to accomplish and I was emotionally drained. I was so glad to get off the trail and be with family. I haven't spent much time with Jenny and never with Anna so I was excited. Jenny is probably one of the kindest souls in the world. She is soft spoken and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She is an incredible mom and you can clearly see in the way she and Nate are raising their daughter. She let me shower and asked me if I wanted to do laundry. I was so excited to get clean and be around family.
When Nate got home they took me to a fantastic Diner and wouldn't let me pay for me dinner. I have the best family. It was great catching up and getting my mind off my sorrows. Nate drove me all the way back to the trail where Sprout was camping for the night, which was a 35 minute drive and then couldn't find Sprout. So that took another 20ish minutes. When I got my backpack out of Nate's trunk we discovered that my pack and belongings were covered in antifreeze! I was bummed out but I think Nate felt even worse. Oh well, it wasn't the end of the world.
The Graymoor Spiritual Center had a basin I could rinse my stuff out in. I skipped 7 miles of the trail today and I feel pretty lousy about it. It's the first time I've missed any of the trail in over 500 miles. We are going to come back and I am going to hike it after we reach Katahdin. I told my mom I was going to walk past every white blaze for her and I am going to stay true to my words. I just needed a breather and I didn't want to walk 7 miles of the trail, in the dark, by myself.
When I got in my tent I laid there and cried myself to sleep. I felt pitiful and lonely and I missed my mom, dad, and family. Not everyday on the trail is butterflies and daisies. It can be difficult. It's as much mental as it is physically challenging. I have to remember why I am out here. Tomorrow is a new day and I will overcome these obstacles and I will strive for happiness.
This always helps cheer me up. And I read it before I drifted into a dreamless sleep.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
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| Little bit of NYC history |
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| Plaque at zoo |
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| Trail today |
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| They need signs that also say please do not deface the trees, see the next picture |
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| White blaze |
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| Jenny, Anna, and Sprout |
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| Anna at the diner. Such a cutie!! |
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